what type of girl?

I'd assumed that coz I heard nothing on wed night (dyke night at 3 pubs in Newtown) that I was safe - and maybe she'd left town after all.

hah!

no such luck.

thanks for your reply. but my life couldnt b any easyer than it already is honey.and feelings? Lets not go there.and im a very good listener.and few would say! what a good fuck.have a great holiday sweetie.x 23.11.06 @ 21.32

Brief not: I made no reply but asked a friend in the FRESIAN islands to text on my behalf. And the obvious reply is 'no: you are not a good listener, you're a fucking nut! Actually It's quite narcisstic of me putting that one up - wiht my sexual credentials broadcast for the world - hell a woman who wears her genitalia on her head can't be too bad I guess.


You know what? You'll never b like me sweetie. so don't use u as an exsample of who i am. as u dont even know me at all. sorry hon but I thought? U had more class than that?. 24/11/06 @ 00.50


I've gone through all the texts's you have sent me! And you know? all ive red. Is you do what you do when its only about sex.but. its obvious that u r hurting big time honey.and you cut off.all I wanted from u. Was 2 have sum great sex with u and 2 bring u a smile.2 b happy. what's wrong with that?x 24/11/06 @ 1.08

Well! what a bizarre delusional tautology the above missive is! Like - I wanted sex, and sex alone -she describes it like an accusation, does some pop psychology 101 ad then offers the same. why can't people be honest and say "all I wanted from U was to have an object of fantasy that i could manipulate, scare and control so we wouldn't have to engage in any sort of reciprocal relationship casual or otherwise. I reckon that call u my bitch and fuck you senseless gives me permisssion for all of the above" huh?


I found u a s a sensual lustful sexy women. and did'nt think 2 b so wrong about someone like u. I was so wrong. thanks 4 the time we had and 4 the awareness of girls like u.im a happy easy going kind of girl that works hard and love's life and people. theres no shit in my life 4 the moment. and thats how i like it. Thanks girl and say hi! If ever we cross paths.x 24/11/06 @1.39

Say hello? More like say 'fuck off you freak!"
so many cliche's, so much shit, so much delusion.

what type of girl did she think I was? the type who pashes someone on the dance floor and drags them home after fucking someone else in the toilets? (this is what I did and this is what I told her at the time) the type who repeatedly says ' I'm not girlfriend material. I have other lovers. i'm bisexual. I'm very busy. Let's just have some fun'? the type who assumes that if someone else says to my face "This is nice. It's just fun. that's OK" that that's what they actually mean? The type that assumes that a kiss is not a contract, a fuck is not a contract. that 2 fucks are not a contract, nor is 10.

i've only made 'contracts' with 2 people in my life. One was a joint lease and a hire purhcas eagreement for a TV. that was with my ancient Ex fomr the 1990's. the second included eveyr type of joint contract possible with Abel. Most of them are sitting under my bed. she's still in my will. (My property consists of a ton of books, a heavy computer and some paintings: combined value? $5000).

Abel left the country after being pissed for most of the weekend. a good chastiity belt - i had no temptations at all and assumed my libido had died wiht stress of psychobunny. Then I saw the consort. thought maybe I was straight and had been deluding myself for the past 12 years. then I saw the most sensible slut in the world. *melt* then I saw ... ooohh ahhh - don't have words for that other one. Oh gosh!

So I was planning to chase pretty girls or at least perve at them on sunday evening. hmmm - but psychobunny is making me think otherwise.

wonder if I should ring Newtown Police?

Last Night of Freedom!

After all the doom and gloom of hiding from a stalker with 70 essays to be marked - I'm going under cover and breaking out in Style.

this thursday the "it's a new day' residency at artspace - is gonna be a top night - and my mate Schappylle Scragg is gonna be there with bell's on - coz it's her hens night!

Go glam and get on down to ARTSPACE - at Cowper Wharf Road Woolloomooloo from 6pm on thursday. (opposite the pie cart and a few doors down form the servo).

Scragg has also produced her own version of the Cleo Bikini guide.check it out

You can see some pics of scragg at here

big thanks to the hilton - aka Ladonnarama

Pushing It

Hay Sweetie. Can i come 2 c u? or am pushing it with u? dont want 2 upset u either.please.x 18/11/06 @11.41.39

I called around 2 c u. but u wer'nt there. Well I guess manly is manly 4 u, thank you 4 your communication.and i ran into you ex she is a really nice girl. what's your problem girl? 18/11/06 @22.10

All the above is true. Drunken Abel and friends said that psycho bunny did turn up around the back of the COMMUNE looking for me, and they let her wander around the garden before she wandered off into the night.

Today I had visions of her climbing in through my bedroom and leaping on the consort and tearing off his delicious member. As I watched him doze, blissfully oblivious ot my paranoia I tried to Zenly imagine myself asking her to replace the flyscreen - instead of screaming and throwing the nearest object to hand at her head.

YUCK

so current courses of action:

1. ring the cops - get and AVO.

2. Ring her and scream enough threats so SHE gets an AVO against me.

3. Run around and graffittie lot sof toilet doors and street corners wiht warneings aoubt the psychobunny girl - so she's humiliated into going into hiding

4. try to stoicly ignore her

5. Get her texts blocked from my mobile

6. Hide out in CROYDON

7. Start a STALKING CAMPAIGN.

Frankly I'm tempted to do the latter!

If you are a supportive random reader - then send me a comment and I'll tell you how.

otherwise if you're a known friend - I'll be sending you an email soon with the mobile number of psycho bunny and asking you to call her - from a work phone, pubic telephone or unlisted/stolen/borrowed phone number - (or send a text).

make it as creepy/silly/agggro as you like.

i reckon she needs MORE contact - and is obviously lonely and bored - and I sure as hell don't want anything to do wiht her - so why not get my friends involved?

I reckon after 10 days of 20 random calls and SMS's -- she'll get the picture of how fucked her behaviour is!

Sweetie

today was so cold that IT WAS SNOWING IN STANTHORPE

for those of you unfamiliar with lands north of Chatswood - Stanthorpe is home to "the big apple". Its a hole of a town south of toowoomba but north of wallangarra in the darling downs/granite belt.

Apparently bondi was the coldest its been in 200 years - which put a bit of a dampener on buying slips of fabric for SCRAG. she's got her hens night reenactment next thursday. I think sh'es got enough outfits - but you never know.....

anway - I was trying out a size 8 singlet in insane flouro pink Engrish (for me, not scragg) and the phone rang (I HATE answering the phone in a changeroom) and then the text bell went off:

"Hay sweetie. Y wont u talk 2 me?do u hate me that much?im sorry if u feel that way about me.im only human and i have feelings2! Take care.xx" 16.11.06 @12.38

Sweetie is one of those misused epithets that even I like to misapply in SMSspace. Compliant coyness. Unctiousness.Ick

But who the fuck takes *me* for a 'sweetie'?

Pussycat maybe - but sweetie???? for fuck's sake my photo shows a CUNT ON My HEAD!

Sweetness is in the mouth of the beholder I ponder as a suck on another salmiaki.

Salmiaki are finnish licorice lollies - intensely flavoured wiht ammonia. they are an aquired taste.and kind of sweet.

I cnan't really write tonight and tonight I hate my life.

I've been sleeping 15 hours per day and sobbing for about 3. that leaves 6 hours - of which I spend about 2 in meals, anohter 2 in masturbatin or some random errand - and hey presto! no more time!

i've got shitloads of makring to finish, plus long overdue chapter and some paper to write in the next fortnight.

Oh - and My stomach has been FUCKING SORE, and I've got THRUSH FROM HELL, and yesterday in YOGA I was so plagued by PILES that I could barely stand up! Hobbling across the road afterwards - I had ridiculous visions of me being crushed by traffic and thought 'what a fucking stupid way to go. I private sick chuckle caught in my throat as I gasped in pain.

I think it was the shoulder stand that did it.

(that is such a typically tragic me sort of thing to happen - so bad and so funny I had to laugh - ouch).

today I sobbed on Abel's shoulder and tried to dump the consort. My firend in finland sent me a text saying she was heartbroken and my firend in NYC rang me to tell me the same.

so strangely, I'm not alone. It's a lacrymose season the world over.

miss understanding

today I got back from yoga to the delightful little missives below:

"Hay maggie! didnt go 2 the mines.just thought 2 let u know.You may not give a shit! After my smartass texts i gave u.but dontget me wrong. It was all a big miss understanding and sorry if it upset u.x @10.18am"

indeed!

Last fortnight, Katrina Fox's column is SX - had a great and funny piece about 'the standard' abusive txts from dykes to each other. MOstly along the lines of :"Hey bitch,I wanna fuck you with one of my 10 dildo's with other girls names on them" "why haven't you replied you stupid fuck? go fuck yourself then"....... and the Foxy Femme was laughing at how straight girls don't take shit from men - and make formal protests from far less abusvie texts.......

and I reckon straight girls have got a point. No one deserves to put up with annoying harrassing shit - from a man or a woman - and no-one should feel they have the right to dish it out.

I gues that's what motivated me to start publishing the texts from psychobunny up on my blog.

Because I find this shit totally unnacceptable, and outrageous, and assume other people do. And I don't think its a private matter - its a very public matter.

I assumed that by being NICE to someone on a one night stand - that would earn me some level of esteem and respect. But no!

so in future I'll try to drop a turd in bed or something.

well, maybe not.

and the niceness gets me worried to: the nice girl role sounds like the 'rape script' scenarios that I've hjust been teaching to the earnest undergrand sof Austrlaia's oldest university.

(Sharon Marcus's argument) - that rape happens because rapists start pushing limits, skirting along boundaries and taking the nice pollite ocmpliance role that women have and pushing it, and pushing it and pushing it. Meanwhile women 'go along' being nice, pollite, sweet. Acting available - not syaing 'fuck off you freak'....until things get out of control.ad then sometimes not even then.

Sigh

I think of my own histories - of coercion and nastiness. Even now I don't use the R word. Because there was no clothes tearing, no screams, no scratches. Because I didn't say no. Well not very loudly and only a few times. and not because I didn't say yes.

Ir emember bieng a small pubsecent mayhem. watching scary sixty mintes stories about "the horror of rape" (TM) and thinking 'yeah, it if happens to me, I'll play dead and pretend to go a long with it; so he won't notice".

I think I was 9 at the time?

I'm not denying that violent rape is horrible and violating and a thing that any right thinking woman should be terrified of.

But Isn't it any more horrifying having 9 year old girls writing little secret scripts for themselves - for how they'll comply, collapse and cope when the big bad monster comes to eat them up?

and of course - when a big bad monster did violate me a few years later..... I was sweet and silent and kind of confused and very very sad - but it took YEARS for me to let myself feel anger.

It didn't seem like the bad stories from TV. It wasn't violent, it wasn't a stranger, and I still had my hymen afterwards.


anywya - enough of sad scary stories.

Being socialised as female - living in fear becomes so habitual as to feel instinctive. the nocturnal key clutching, the nocturnal purda, staying home in a locked up house. Staying still, silent, sober and sensible. not taking risks. not drawing attention to oneself.

so its strange how when I've felt real fear - this time around - I've been strangely calm. splitting off and calmly typing out the tome.

but the rest of the time - when I'm not actively avoiding my feeling of being shit scared - I'm in a constant state of anxiety. Whingeing about the consort, fretting about Abel, and err... yeah. Avoiding my feelings of fear, distress, irritation and anger. That its happened again. That poeple trat me like shit. that poeple don't understand me. that as uch as I try to be nice and sweet and generous and clear, I still get pushed into corners, squeezed into shapes I don't fit into and not listened to when I protest.

Maybe its time to take up kickboxing.

Saga dribbles on......

I decided that "halloween horror" was a bit melodramatic for all those texts I kept receiving.

and I heard nothing for a week - unitl today, when rolling over from my sweet nocturnal slumbers at chez consort, I read this on my phone.

Message:

R u free 4 sum lovin. 11 Nov 2006 @2.25

My vagina twitched and spontaneously siezed up with thrush. Bloody hell. Lucky I've got 30 essays to mark

Halloween Horror Volume 10

today was a particular delight - and so persuaded me that such genius needs to be liberated from my phone and deserves to shared with the world. Psycho bunny has taken excerpts of my texts to her (dated from monday- which I've italisized and placed in inverted commas) and added her own comments (in bold)

Sunday 5th November 2006-11-05

"Wow! U mean the mines? Fucking hell!" @15.01

"I know u r real coz I can still taste u & I’ll never wash my sheets again!" @15.02

"Stop it or I’ll hav 2 mop the carpet! Am I dreaming or r u real? Xxx" i am real.x 15.04


"U’re butch enuff 4 me & u don’t need 2 pack 2 impress! Xxx" only a dildo a condom and lube will do 2 impress.? @15.10

"SPEWIN! If only u told me! I just got an email request 2 talk at some do @ hollywood pub on wed 8pm. Wanna come? We can cum after!" What? @15.11

"Not 2day coz if I c u I’ll drag u bak 2 bed! Thanx 4 last night & 2day & I can’t w8 4 wed! I feel like a dog on heat!" U know what they say about being on heat?I don’t sleep with dogs. U only get fleas.wed was that good. I cant remember it was that great!.i think I had some dog on heat fuck me around? @15.25

"A dildo mayb? Cool! Seriously I’m flat out till wed so if ur in town can we meet then? Please? 8-)" had u begging 4 more.got all 2much 4 u sweetie.u had me all wrong.when u thought I wanted more.don’t like being fucked around. @15.32

"I’m just a pathetic phd student with no life! Writing sux but I hav 2 keep trying & keep my mind off sexy women like u!" if only u had the time.and u have a life! But its your pathetic excuses that sux. @15.37

"Sorry I couldn’t call back.2day is crazy but I hope 2 chat L8r! xxx" we never did have that chat. Whats your excuse that time. No credit? @15.42


"Shagging the woman of my dreams! How abt u?" if only that was true.u’d b inheaven by now.u can just keep on dreaming baby while im gone.x @15.52

"I know u r real coz I can still taste u & I’ll never wash my sheets again!" This is what u ran away from. I was 2 real and u got a taste of that realness. That’s y u’ll never wash your sheets again cause u r afraid u’ll never have that again!I had no intentions 4 other than great sex with u.x @16.02

(after this one I was wondering if she'd read Lacan and was playing some stupid joke based on the Symbolic order.....)

"Wow! U mean the mines? Fucking hell!" That’s where im heading on Thursday.lets hope its not hell.was informed theres a sexy girl already there waiting 4 me.how cool.she cant wait.don’t know what it in 4? @16.19

Halloween Horror Volume 9

Saturday 4th November 2006

Do u want 2 fuck the women of your dreams. Then call me. U have my no.x @ 2.19

Halloween Horror Volume 8

After avoiding a number of non identified callers on my mobile and hiding from a knock on the door I thought I'd better get some advice. I asked people at uni what to do and someone suggested that I answer the phone and ask psychobunny to stop sending me messags and be polite but firm and state that I was no longer interested. so i did this at about 7pm - when I got home from uni and the phone rang. And she was polite and seemed to agree - but then rang two mre times before sending a final text..... for the day.

Friday 3rd November

Went 2 c the guy I had trouble with at the hospital. He 2 c the guy ihad trouble with at the hospital. He is fine he was one drug when all shite hit the fan with me.its all good. Dropped the charges. Phew.had 2 clear my name.it was all in defence.and he admitted it in front of the cops.im releaved.x @9.11

Hay sweetie.since u wont speak 2 me. Would it b asking 2 much if I can have your mailing address?xxx @10.59

Look babe im still here in Sydney. but like 2know whats going on with u.do u want 2 catch up 2night?xxx 15.54



U werea delight babe.the last text u will get from me.take care and wathcout at the flying fox.xx.a lot of trash go there.slyfox sux. 19.11

Halloween Horror Volume 7

I've included the last text I sent before running out of credit. Now you get the creepy picture.

Thursday 2nd November 2006

How u feel babe? @11.59

M: Better than last night. i'm trying to make up 4 lost time time & working. how about u? @12.03

Went 2 slyfox.big punch up with sum guys. Cops ambos what a fucking night. @12.08

Im getting the fuck out of Sydney. the cops want 2 charge me 4 assalting. When I was only defending myself.they r saying he’s in a bad way.it was him or me?it sure wasn’t going 2 b me.it was all fair he picked me! It happened so fast.what a fuck.didnt mean 2 hurt him that bad.he was hasselling me most the night.i only hit him when he tried 2 kiss me.and it was one hit he went down it was over.no im introuble.fuck it. @12.47

Im a lover. Not a fighter. @15.56

Whats this about? Is it u don’t want 2 talk 2 me? R u upset with what happened? Im not the type 2 b in any sort of violents by anymeans. Please u need 2 have a greater understanding of me. @19.50

U’ve got it all wrong about me.if u think 4 1 moment that im into that sort of crap.it just all went wrong when he grabed me I just reacted.it was unexspected. Please talk to me babe.x @20.42

Private no calling: 21:02, 21:07. 21:29,

Goodbye my lover goodbye my friend.you had been the one 4 me. Xxx @23:55

Bad Pussy!

Well, sometimes it can be damn hard to shake off the recovering catholicism.

I'm hoping that listening to a customised CD of kathellisism will do the trick - but yeah.....

OK in the catholic scheme of things - we are born to suffer, and jesus suffered for our sins, and if they hit you it hurts them more than it hurts you, and life is fundamentally tragic and you can't ever forget that, and people have it so much worse than us and never forget that however happy you might feel that you could lose it all in a minute and never forget that how sad you feel that someone has it so much worse, and so don't ever let yourself feel too happy or too sad, and don't think of yourself too much and don't think of yourself becaus eits selfish and you should always think of others, and pray for them.

and EVERY PLEASURE will be punished. you will suffer for your sins.

so what has this to do with mayhem? sitting typing late at night on a keyboard, working on her tome, working on her blog, planning more transgressive fun and random wild and crazy shit and having such a wild and crazy life and being so damn... COOL, and POPULAR, and having so much FUN?

well, Last weeks naughtiness - seems to have landed mayhem in a bit of hot water. That nice butch girl turns out to be a bit bloody intense.

ten texts per day kind of intense.

boasting about punch ups and then whining and groveling and making all kinds of WEIRD apologetic excuses - and dropping werid arsed disaster scenarios on me - "I'm leaving today! No i'm not! you've blown it! - i'll give you one last chance."

I went and hid at the consorts for 2 days with a bundle of marking and my tax return. Meanwhile she texted me salaciously describing naked sailing adventures on the harbour.

I had visions of a naked woman atop a 56 foot yacht saiing into delwood beach, and felt kind of aroused and kind of weird.

and the weird hot/cold psychodrama alternate reality monologue kind of reminds me of 'he that died not a moment too soon', my long deceased patermonster.

YUCK.

I was weepy and clingy and couldn't really explain why. fortunately consort can give me the pips but is really great when I'm messy (which is basically all those times when I'm not blogging about how fabbo my life is). He doesn't ask for explanations - just gives nice hugs and tender kisses and cooks good meals.

so after 2 days of pampering and soothing tenderness, I recrossed the harbour and collapsed with a migraine for 18 hours.


and migraines - those weird cerebral explosions can be pretty good for sorting out cobwebs and confusion. (tho its a pretty painful way to do it)

and I realised that the sapphic sex goddes is just a selfish psycho. Texting me till midnight ondering if she could breathe smokey boozy breath alll over me and fuck me as well.

(I guess she's never had a migraine - or she just has no clue).

so.

I'm doing my wallish act. Blankness . no responses. & my phone is switched off.

so, giiven such a messy complication - its easy to BLAME MYSELF.

You know? for taking risks. for fucking someone who hadn't fucked at least 3 of my friends.
for fucking a stranger, strangely


for being greedy and needy and trashy and enjoying being seduced and trashed and treated like trash and dominated and pushed around just a little....

for enjoying it.

but oh but.

Like TEDG says: a kiss is not a contract, and nor is a fuck.

and I was pretty clear the whole way through that "i'm not girlfirend material, I fuck around, and intend to keep doing so".

but psycho bunny doesn't appear to have ears.

so mayhem has retreated to assiduous work on the tome - only heading out with a masculine escort (hah! not quite) and hiding my phone.....

next time I have a random one nite stand - I go to their house - get their surname and address so if they turn psycho i can call the cops and get an AVO faster.....

Halloween Horror Volume 6

Here things started to feel quite odd.

The sympathetic response to my cancelling a date due to migraine was particularly impressive. (I've included my texts below). I really liked the baseball analogy (with my batting skills it was never really going to be great rhetorical device). That's when I decided it was over.

Wednesday 1st November 2006

Ive got 2 fly up 2 queensland don’t know what time I’ll b back.u know the plain that went down? I’ll b back in Sydney at about 8pm.friend has arranged it 4 me.Im tyring 2 get out of not going.. @ 11.14

Cool. @11.30

Ive been put on stndby about the job at the airport. I need to hang around so that means im not going 2 go up north jus yet.so I may c u at 8 at the hollywood.x @ 11.41

Hay sweetie.whats your plans after the holllywood speech? @12.43

Fuck! u r out of your mind. @14.02

Sorry babe. Your not out of your mind. Jus crazy 4 a girl like u.xxxx @14.43

M: I've got a migraine & period pain & im going 2 hide in a dark room till i'm ok. so sorry 2 do this 2 u! I shd b ok by fri but i'll b in contact. xxx @17.03

Hope u r feeling better sooner than Friday.take care and c u soon. Not 2 happy about it I must say. Is that the 3rd strike? @ 17.13

Hay how u feeling? R u ok? Do u need anything?is there anything I can do 4 u?please let me know when u get text.x @21.30

M: I'm ok thx 2 ear plugs, tiger balm & aspirin. I just got 2 rest & w8 till it stips. I also have 2 do a shitload of marking b4 fri! I'll dream of u till then.xxx @21.36

Well then.im no good 4 u.when your feelin like that? @21.44

Would u like it 4 me 2 ease your mind and sooth you body? @22.03

M: Stale tobacco wd make me vomit right now 1.11.06 @22.03

What? I wont smoke then!how fuctdo u feel babe? @ 22.08