I'm trying to pull together the words for a Eulogy.
And part of me thinks about mosaics - not the continuously pixellated patterns but the way that fragments come together in strange little meshes of possibilities.
Perfect tiny distinct fragments - juxtaposed by memory and time and whatever else was near them by the time.
and each new connection generates a starburst of further imaginative possibilities....
Of course I'm trying to skate over an immense awesome overwhelming tragedy.
And death is awesome.
It is immensely big - watching the agonising slowness of life slowly ebbing away from someone.
Staying with them - or whatever that is left of - leaving of them, holding them, holding courage, slowly watching breaths, counting time, counting minutes, doses, hours, counting the cracks on the walls, counting the final pulses......
I feel so immensely privileged to share in something so sacred and immense.
Away from the immediacy of tragedy - the proximity of loss - it would have only been loss - immense horrible tragic aloneness - but here, so many new things have burst forth - crazy laughter, tears, sobs, shreiks, bad food, bad jokes, and so, so, so much love.
We visited his studio today. I was wondering how hard it would feel - but instead - it felt like entering a familiar beloved book - I felt something beautiful surrounding us. A special glowing warmth that somehow emanated from the works or the space or the space between bodies and the bodily memory of being there with him.....
and today it was snowing - in October, in the sunny antipodes. snow and Wysteeria blossoms. A strange miracle amidst so many sad mysteries.