Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Trucking on

I had 3 days of unanticipated pain last week.

migraines suck.

this week, i feel fluey cold sore tired. My mouth has ulcers, my bowels are loose, and I'm sure no-one wihses they'd just read this.

After a week of extreme fluffy cuteness, tail between the legs tenderness etc., abel has resumed normal adolescent stone baby butch programming.

I'm so over it that I'm numb.

she leaves in 8 days. I can't wait.

she'll be gone only for a month -but a month! a whole month of no guilt, somtach cramps, pain, nerves, anxiety, jelaousy, regret, impotence being rubbed into my face with lashings of old dead longing

So I'm calm and collected about current tense hell. Being civil, remote.

I barely believe what she says I don't care, try not to care, try hard not to care

It's hard trying

Typing messages to NBL - who is a life saver. small missives of hope and possibility. Evne if nothing comes of it, if it all falls in a heap, later one, right now, its a miraculous comfort. Like little pathces of sunlight amist the sodden sky.

Never before this I ever understood the miraculous hope of gratuitous flirting. Expectation as life sustaining. I hated tension, indecision, unresolvedness. never one for dates - I always preferred jumping into bed wiht both boots and mopping up the consequences later.

so this is extremely nice.

I don't have any certainties about my life at the moment - feel pulled professioonally between quite two distinct realms, and my home life has fallen in a heap - so I'm adjusting to uncertainty, precarity, not knowing what will happen.

treading water, if I stop flailing I still float.

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