Showing posts with label nostalgia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nostalgia. Show all posts

Saturday, May 22, 2010

The things I miss



I spent most of the past month zipping between cities: Sydney and Melbourne.
Some reasons were good, like graduation and friend's parties.
Some were bad, like friends being sick...
zipping between two worlds - experiencing both cities in a state of flight and flux gave me a chance to have a lot of good coffee, and a lot of good takeaway, and to burn out my overdraft limit even more... as well as to see both places above and below, in moving between and within, finding new and old faces, to rediscover cities as spaces of chance encounters, new discoveries, new possibilities always emerging and subsiding.

Somewhere in the middle of this I discovered that another acquaintance/inspiration had been forced to abandon his mortal coil in an accident involving a bicycle and a stairwell.
Horrible.
How do begin to describe the loss of someone who was the centre of so many legends?
He's turned up to my first wedding in a Koala suit and overalls covered in red tyre tracks - giggling hysterically while claiming to be attending as "Road Kill"
He had been one half of the legendary duo "the 10,000 foot naked rock stars" who had done the first ever fully naked radio marathon on 2SER - inspiring my own Radio Stripathon with Daz Chandler for the 2SER fundraiser some years later....
I thought he'd done the street mural pictured above - below his house and next to the cafe where I'd see him serving coffee whenever I went for a dose of darlingithurts bohemia...

I asked where he was, and the guy serving me whispered "he died". The mural is a dedication, the ripped off heart sign regularly replaced.
So I sat, stunned, in front of a knitted cover for a sandstone wall, sipping my latte, passing my teddybear to a dear friend sobbing over the worst ever news about her partner, both of us feeling the cold shock of dread inching into our spaces of life and colour.....

So, flying back and forth, I've missed the opening of the biennale in Sydney, missed friends' shows in Melbourne, missed the cat, the wife, the calmness of weekends in the burbs....

but then so much life, light, stories and possibilities, and memories coiling themselves around new connections, movements and spaces, finding myself again, finding others, and finding at last that this new city has elements of familiarity and delight and feels like home again.

Friday, December 07, 2007

At home in Old town

I've got 2 places that I refer to as 'home' now.

Curiously enough election night emphasised that division and connection really well. I'd agreed to spend the day polling with the 3 Glen Innes supporters for The Greens. So I hung out for few hours at the local uniting church, chatting convivially on the hustings, amazed at the ability of the local independent to entice One Nation supporters and Kooris to poll for him, while chatting to old schoolfriend's parents on the Nationals stall, or minding the stall for the ALP - whose supporters are close family friends. Two of the greenies were ageing hippies who'd only been in the district for 25 years, and only found acceptance with 3 generations taking root in the town.... so the nationals supporters were strangers to them, previously hostile political and social opponents - whereas most people at school knew I was left of Gough Whitlam (I hadn't heard of Che Guevara then) so me coming out as a greens supporter wasn't a big surprise. Even thought it drives me nuts - and I *can't* really live there, there is a familiarity and ease about the place and my contrariness feels grounded and accepted. But there to be educated, to be queer, to be an artist, *is* contrary and eccentric; an oddity to be tolerated, or a phase to be ignored like a bad haircut perhaps.

Even though there was an election night party planned at a house of some family friends, I'd felt an incredibly strong urge to be surrounded by a large amount of like minded people. I think the last minute polls promoting a swing to Howard were the clincher. I knew if he got back in that I'd need to get very very drunk and commit harikiri with a large group of like minded people, rather than silently sob at home, and share my hopeless gloom with the 25 lefties in town. Mum - bless her - agreed to drive me 100kms to the airport so I booked a ticket for the night time.

Armidale Airport is even more desolate than the Ryanair terminal at Pirrkala in Finland, and with a downpour - things looked hopelessly gloomy. but In the sky - somehow I had a strange sense of joy - which could have been from the weird clouds, or the complimentary wine, but by the time I got in a cab home - Barnaby Rudge was already calling defeat, and I could barely keep my mouth closed with delight.

At home, with the sun setting, I could hear people calling to each other in the streets of Erko - announcing results from cars and house windows. I looked up the results online and let out a shriek of delight. I ran downstairs to tell the neighbours but everyone was lost in a weird cloud of..... collective bonhomie; a common state for the compound which seems to be oblivious to the world on a number of levels (Ah dystopia such a bittersweet opiate!) So I frocked up as SCRAGG and ran up the street. Briefly saw Abel and her Mum - and blabbed delightedly in french. they were also oblivious to the result, but were convivial at least...

Up at Newtown Bridge, someone had erected a large screen and set up decks, and a large gathering of multigenerational rif-raf were standing and swilling and cheering with delight as the results came through. This was fucking perfect. I saw a lot of old friends. I saw the tom cat who ignored me as studiously as I ignored her (sometimes I'm REALLY sick of being a lesbian). Then saw a lot of new friends and forgot the sapphic angst. I lost scragg's 6-pack of bundy and bought some Guinness. then found the 6 pack. I got woefully drunk. Had a bit of a nostalgia moment, ostetatiously spraying my piss over parked cars with some old feminazi mates.... then tried to negotiate getting to the after-party with various drunken mates. We were all to drunk to read a street directory, or direct a cabbie. Finally made it as 3 vanloads of riot cops seemed to be screeching around the corner determined to use up the leftover APEC budget. It was 2am and there were people EVERYWHERE. This felt like home.

today, checking facebook, I came across yet another tiny group that a few friends had signed up to. The OLD Newtown (Sydney) 1992 - 1999 currently has 124 members, mostly comprised of the white thirtysomething creative class that typically sign up to facebook, and like to flaunt our subject formation as much as a series of affiliations, aspirations and lifestyle choices that denote the kind of social mobility, intellectual flexibility and political cosmopolitanism to which we like to be identified with.

true to form, I've joined numerous minor groups including reunion societies for student politicians, and even a tongue in cheek fanclub for a DJ mate... actually 'DJ' is an understatement for a luminary of ye olde vintage raver project of the Temporary Autonomous Zone of sound and silly arm waving, but I'll leave that for another time...

Meanwhile something about The OLD Newtown (Sydney) 1992 - 1999 was making me feel a little queazy.

I think one of my earliest posts on this blog (3 years ago, sigh!) was about the changes to Newtown as it moved upmarket, and cranky old codger that I am, I continue to lament the increasing impossibility of sustaining an oxymoron even in freeform writing like weblogs... err... I mean the increasing discomfort I feel around my olde barrio as it shifts upmarket. I CAN'T AFFORD to buy food there, let alone clothing. the cafe's look tacky and frightening and so do the pubs. there are maybe 4 places that I'd even consider going for a meal, and I do largely consider King Street as a convenient and well lit stretch between my home (the compound) and my work (the uni) - for which I'm so incredibly lucky that I feel like a total wanker for whingeing about having to get a train to buy groceries.

Maybe I just have a probelm with the dates. In my half life of sydney residencies I've lived in the following suburbs:

Homebush for 3 months
Dulwich Hill for 6 months
Camperdown for 6 months
Erskineville for 18 months
Enmore for 3 years
Randwick for 1 year (shudder)
Petersham for 3 years
Ultimo for 3 months
the Compound for 8 and a half years (interspersed with about 18 months overseas)

the compound is on the edge of Erko, Newtown & St. Peters so even it's not actually IN newtown, and since I've only lived there since 1999 then how can I claim to be a vintage newtown resident?

from 1992-1999 I didn't live in Newtown, I didn't shop in Newtown, and I could barely afford to go to cafe's let alone eat out in Newtown (except for family dinners when Mum came to town). Until 1994 I did a lot of pasting up on King street, and from 1993 I did quite a lot of getting pissed, but does this make a local or a blow in? and what were the criteria?

Is this a society for THE NEWTOWN PRECINCT? Or for visitors to Newtown? and if it is for the latter, then how am I meant to differentiate myself as a legitimate boho visitor from the tourist wannabe scum that have apparently ruined the place since?

Of course I do play the game of Spewtown authenticity, and have played it sickeningly well for years. I was a regular at the Sando in 1989, I used to do my study in the empty front bar of the Impy back in 1991, fornicated with different genders in Camperdown cemetery in both decades of last century, Inserted people, objects and substances into various orifices in the dunnies of that pub that got renamed and renovated FIVE years ago. I used to have dreadlocks, and I shared a house with an old communist who'd lived in the Barrio in the 1950's. thanks to the Department of Housing we're both still here.

I was whingeing about the place going to the dogs (yuppies) in 1991, and screaming at Eastern suburbs 'types' sometime... well, many times, but moreso when I was living in Randwick and working full time and feeling insecure and defensive.

So, true to form, I'm going to indulge in a little bit of projection, and wonder what people are trying to hide or ignore about themselves by this need to blame a suburb for echoing the destinies of it's boho luminaries and going upmarket? I don't know many people who've stayed as poor and 'hardcore' as we were 10 or 15 years ago, but I know LOTS with full time jobs and mortgages and kids and new clothes and salon haircuts. Change happens. And I’m also a bit suss about assuming that boho students, or temporary beneficiaries of Centrelink are somehow more representative of a suburb than the other residents or consumers, like people who have worked there, old residents from before it was trendyville, kids who grew up there, the yuppies who bought into the place early, and, heaven forbid… the kooris who I think might still OWN the place.

Maybe it was the anecdote from a friend in London who’d gone out to dinner with some old student mates – who were basically a bunch of GOTHS, whingeing about now newtown had changed in one breathe and speculating on their mortgages in the next. WTF???

I DO really believe that cultural and social viability do come from the capacity of spaces and suburbs to facilitate a certain amount of socio-economic flexibility. I don’t just mean ‘diversity’ – and dumping housing commission flats in bourgie ‘burbs, but having a variety of land use and land occupation and retail development so that wonderful seductive beast of entrepreneurial capital can flourish – with or without large amounts of dosh. If an area looks like a space where lots of peeps can indulge in a variety of dreams or ideas or fantasies – then even if 80% end up being boring opportunists on the make, then even the visibility of movement, of cultural activity, of social change and mobility can offer a broader challenge to the deadening stranglehold of monopoly capital.

Shopping malls aren’t just depressing because of the low ceilings or flouro lights, but because they present and reinforce a view that the only way to buy or to sell – to get clothed and fed and have contact with people HAS to be mediated by large scale industrial capital. Big buildings, carparks, chain store franchises, mass advertising. Organised, renovated, remote, insinuating itself at a molecular level into our bodies, our eardrums, our minds…. It is spirit crushing HELL.

I resent the fact that I can’t buy my groceries along a shopping strip in my suburb, and I refuse to by fruit in a supermarket. But I can still jump on a train to indulge in my consumer preference for fruit markets and small shops, whereas most Australians can’t. In Bathurst and Glen Innes there were no fruit and vegetable shops, and fresh produce was double the price of Sydney. This change has occurred in the past 18 months, and I imagine it’s the same everywhere.

My generation of thirty something bohos have witnessed the massive increase in fossil fuel consumption in the past 15 years, and incredible decline in any semblance of sustainable agriculture or food distribution or water conservation practices. While I like the fact that I can buy 5 different brands of organic tofu within walking distance of my home, but I think that this does nothing to change the fact that my mum can only buy vegetables that have been driven two thousand kilometres, when she lives less than 300 kilometres from major fruit growing areas of Australia.

Maybe I’m lucky to regard 2 places as home – so I’m NOT insular but always looking outside, or outwards, or looking away, wondering what’s happening to the other half of my world, while simultaneously maligning or eulogising the one where I live. This means that I can’t ever see a place as purely good or bad, or see the changes that occur in one place as separate from the changes to my own life, or the changes that occur elsewhere. Maybe it’s why sometimes the political disengagement of the compound drives me nuts. I believe creativity involves actively moving outwards, responding to changes and challenges by seeking new possibilities and fighting for them, rather than sinking into a safety nest of shared values and lifestyle choices.

I find Newtown delightful and frustrating as hell, and lived through a lot of heartbreak as well as had some incredible dreams come true. I think I still love it because it has this combination of disgust and delight, and irritates me as much as it seduces me. Maybe I’m just glad that I haven’t seen window displays of pyjamas and slippers. If a Katies opens up on King Street, I’m outta there.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Pat is right

We are young
Heartache to heartache
We Stand!
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield


zoo and I seem to be having an online love in comparable to the skanky jane/artswipe marraige of late '06.

I was inspired by another set of postings on skirts are bleeding - to think of the benatar - which reminds me of texta queen which reminds me of Abel - coz we were both obsessed with that song after seeing textas stirling karaoke rendition - in platform boots....

Strange silly synchronicity - which probably has LOTS to do with the smallness of sydney sapphic circles much more than anything else.(Did I tell you about the 'blind date' I had from pink sofa.... where I walked into a room and the new date was THE ONLY PERSON I didn't know?)

So today - I listenin to abel's CD she burnt me last year of classic faves.... which starts with the benatar....... then segues to lots of other stuff - that made my eyes water so I had to change to Patti Smith instead.

It's funny how the universe finds time to drop precious little turds of personal growth opportunities in our mouths at SUCH SPECIAL TIMES....

I spent last week getting increasingly weepy and mopey and miserable and piney and wishing for the wifelife and being reminded of her nipples and craving her body and missing her eyes and her skin and her softness and her voice and EVERYTHING.

And it was just like the Kathellisism song.... (which you can hear online)

and I want to kiss your neck
I want to touch your skin
I miss the small of your back
I miss the stubble on your chin

(yeah - well maybe the latter is a bit of an exaggeration for her bumfluff - but er.. yeah)


And I spent the weekend doing lots of sobbing and waking up in the middle of the night and texting the brixton cowboy to send back some chuckles and smut and a nice reminder of somewhere different and very far away from where I was and am aright now and a very different way of fucking and everything very very different and all in aid of remapping my circuits of personal longing and desire into something that should no longer be so piney and pathetic....

and so yesterday I woke up to his call and after being cooed and chuckled into a state of contentment - decided to check my email.

A message from Abel. guiltily I let my pathetic girl heart flutter with joy and opened it.... and read that she'll be joined by shewhoimnotallowedtocallslutanymore for a few months - as of next week. Yep. Next door. in the garden, in the barrio, at art openings, on the scene, at the sly. the happy bloody couple rubbed right into my face on my turf. Isn't Paris enough for them? Isn't Belle Ile? why here?

Bodies speak so much better than words, as thoughts flit between various ambiguities....

so I was tapping out a response... while shaking... and interrupted by bellows of pain emanating from my mouth... I haven't wept uncontrollably over a keyboard since ... Monday May 24th 2004 - when I read pred's last posting.

Weeping, shaking, running between keyboard and bathroom as my nether ends also opened and I thought "Oh, great - another bout of weight loss coming on - and all those fucking 'you look so attractive' comments when I feel so shitty"

then started plotting escape and hiding strategies, silently to myself. Made dates for bands, the zoo (I mean taronga), harbour trips, visiting friends out of town - anything to get out and away, far, fucking away from this shit. Felt glad to be not the only one. felt glad that that I've got Hermano Grande around the corner in case of random urge to silently sob into beer...emailed zoo and TEDG. Texted MFCC, replied to Abel, read over advice of Wonderboi....

fingers could talk, mouth could only howl, and I wandered shakily into uni somehow. dressed in war paint. Bright colours to ward off nasty dark pain. Pink hair, green tights, pink skirt, sacred heart on my chest. Talismans. Necklace from Kath, Top from TEDG....Was this march 2006 or July 2007 and how will I fill in july 2008? still this FUKKED UP?

Stupidly vainly noted the flatness of my belly and loose fit of skirt and hated myself for being SUCH A GIRL. Girls like to disappear. girls like to be skinny and passive and like to be looked at. and the thinner they are, the sadder they are the more passive and pathetic, the more they can be picked up by a big strong hero eh?

I'm not a girl.

I strode out of the house into the sunlight, reciting to myself "crisis is the condition for change, for challenge, for contingency, for the brilliance and beauty of indeterminacy, for becoming, for surprise."

then chuckled as I thought again of Pat Benatar....


wooo ooohhh hooo
WE ARE STRONG
No one can tell us We're WRONG



so is there reason to this wallowing?

Kind of. Part of me, however brutal and hard and hellish - means that what I asked for WILL COME. Abel will be here - NOT as my wife, or my ex - but with someone - with whom I find it impossible to revert back to any friendly nostalgia trip.

I'll be forced to move on, to protect myself - to not seek out contact - to stop trying to pretend that things are *cool* between us.

somewhere in my thesis I wrote about how pain produces amnesia - and I'm amazed by my own amnesiac relationship to pain. I always forget how bad migraines are when I haven't got one, I always forget how much Abel - HURT me. - and she of course doesn't want to remind me.....

so - daily little stabs of hell - will hopefully drive me to protect myself - to move and keep moving on, to grow into my own becoming....

does this sound like hypocrisy?

I have brought other lovers here, and Abel has been so 'civil' and 'nice' and non jealous, and so 'decently sapphic' around them.... that maybe I should reciprocate. but I only took lovers after we broke up. I was clear about when and why I would start bringing people back home... and I haven't used any lovers or friends to drive a wedge between myself and a relationship I didn't want to face or resolve or have the courage to end first.

I *know* I'm not perfect - but I don't make promises I don't intend to keep - and I tend to tell people what I'm doing and with whom - because I believe that sex and love and proud beautiful things and don't want use them for hiding, for shaming or for silence...

I know that Love is often really stupid and girly and spiteful and the spite comes form the most surprising places. A close friend who made some catty comment about another friend 'having no self respect' - like it was an insult - and not a reason to show this person MORE RESPECT. Maybe I feel so abject and pathetic so often - that I don't feel the need to distance myself from peoples abjection and pathos - but to actually give them affection, respect and support. Maybe i'm just too perverse for this world.

I've always been bad at sport. Always fallen over, missed the ball, tripped on my feet, broken my glasses and come last in the race. If I viewed sex as a contest I'd never leave the house. for me- sex is the thing that happens on the sidelines. Sex is drawing a silly face on the ball or pretending its an egg, sex is zig-zagging across the running field or swimming in circles instead of laps, sex is trying to catch the girls on the netball field instead of the ball - sex is the divine perverse mad possibility of doing everything in the WRONG WAY for the RIGHT REASONS.

I know that love and sex have some dark, dark, angry elements. I know my own heart has a mean posessive selfish controlling streak - but I'd rather grow back my hymen than reduce sex and love to a matter of competition. I had nearly 8 years to fukk abel in any manner both of us could have desired - and if I couldn't do then what I can do now - then so be it. I hope she's happy with shewhoimnotallowedtocallslutanymore and i hope that shewhoimnotallowedtocallslutanymore is a better fuck than I was. As much as I ache, and miss and pine for Abel - I'm HAPPY to have moved on, and happy about what I've learned and am learning and will learn and experience.

Anyway - there's a nice story to end all of this. I followed the Brixton Cowboy's advice and took the credit card into a decent sex shop and bought some indecent objects and used them indecently with my a very obliging friend.... and I discovered new ways of fucking, new ways of desiring, new parts of myself, of herself - of how bodies and feelings and gestures and roles can be remade and rethought and refelt. We fukked to patti smith, plotted mad performances and laughed and cuddled into the night.